Feelings about Fat (Rant Inside)

So twitter is all abuzz about the Marie Claire article about fat people on TV, which then segued to whether we as readers enjoy books with fat heroes or heroines.  I honestly can’t remember reading one – I do have a few I’ve read that had a plus-sized heroine, but there really aren’t a lot of them out there. That being said, Sookie and Jackson from Gilmore Girls were one of my favorite couples on TV.  I also really loved Janet and Eddie from October Road.

So as I read the feeds, I got more and more depressed.  Here’s the thing, people.  I AM one of those fat people and trust me when I say that you can spew your hate on me all you want to, but it is not going to be any less hurtful than what I already say to myself each and everyday.  I look in the mirror every morning and cut myself to threads – just looking for something wrong and not finding it hard to do so. I have mastered negative self-talk in my 40(ish) years, and I’ve perfected the self-deprecating comments.

I cover myself up in huge baggy clothes in an attempt to make disappear what is so abundant, and I shy away from social gatherings that have to do with anything other than my immediate family. I avoid seeing people that I haven’t talked to in awhile because I don’t want them to see what I’ve become. I live through books, movies, and social networking because it enables me not to have to deal with the outside world, where I feel like such a complete and utter failure.

I grew up thinking that if I wasn’t “perfect”, I wasn’t worthy of love.  I also grew up thinking I would get married and have children…not even considering it wouldn’t ever happen (it didn’t, by the way). It had nothing to do with how my mother raised me – but it did have everything to do with how I would continue on in my life as an adult. I dated men that weren’t very nice to me, knowing somehow that it wouldn’t last but so desperate for “The American Dream” that I stayed longer than I should have…then let it destroy me when it ended.

I eat – though I don’t think I eat a lot, I am an emotional eater. And a bored eater. And a “I’m not really bored but I can’t think of anything else to do” eater. Contrary to popular opinion, fat people don’t eat all day long and they don’t eat just junk.  I’m sure you know this, but “healthy food” is even unhealthy when consumed in the wrong portions.

A few years ago, I took charge and I lost weight – a lot actually.  75 pounds worth.  I looked good. I felt good. I was happy.  I craved the good foods and didn’t eat the “not-so-good” foods. And then………Well, life happened.  I stopped. I stopped caring. I stopped exercising.  I stopped everything.  And the weight crept back. My face got fuller.  And I got angry, and called myself all sorts of names.  I couldn’t fit in my clothes. And I gained more weight, and more, until I had about a handful of clothing that fit and a stubborn refusal that I was NOT going to buy more clothes and I WAS going to get back down to where the clothes I had fit me again.

I did well for about a week.  And then I didn’t anymore.  Not because I didn’t care, but somehow I just want the fact that I want it to be enough.  That that will be the magic pill that turns it all around for me. I don’t want to have to weigh and measure and count. I’m frustrated that I have to and so much more frustrated when I don’t.

Do I want to stay like this?  No, absolutely not.  Am I motivated to change?  Definitely – every time I look at my nieces I’m motivated to change because I want to be here for as much of their life as God allows me to be.

Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life.  How I choose to spend that day is mine alone to decide.  Today, I bypassed the crackers for celery. 

What have you done for you today?

5 thoughts on “Feelings about Fat (Rant Inside)

  1. Oh, Dev. I totally relate to everything you've said. Every last word. You should know that you are NOT alone – there are so many folks in the exact same boat. And, just to put it out there… I've seen pics of you – you are a beautiful woman. Don't forget it.

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  2. You are one of my most favorite people on the internet Dev and I totally feel every single word that you said. You could have been telling my story, I related to it that much.

    Like Lori said, you're not alone and I love you just the way that you are sweetie!

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  3. Can a rant be great? Because I think that your rant was great. It was honest and I think that's more important than being perfect 😛

    We might not be perfect, but that's who we are 🙂 and a lot of time, it beats being slim or cover-model-ish.

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  4. Bravo to you for being so honest and expressing exactly what so many of us feel. Interestingly, I have read a few books lately that featured heroines who were, if not obese, at least not stick thin. A few YAs come to mind: The Dairy Queen series by Catherine Gilbert Murdock, Plus by Veronica Chambers, The Earth, My Butt and Other, Big Round Things by Carolyn Mackler. I'm sure there are others. I hope there are because the fact is, very few of us are size 0's and we need more book people who represent real girls/women.

    Good luck with banishing that negative self-talk. Be good to yourself 🙂

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  5. Oh Dev – right there with you but it's been years since I tried to lose weight. I actually convinced myself I was a happy fat person. And in most aspects I am happy – until I look in a mirror and wonder who the fat woman is looking back at me.

    Last winter I was walking 5 nights a week an hour at a time and sweating profusely. I didn't lose a pound over those 8 months – but my one friend said 'yeah, but you didn't gain what you would have'. Scary thought.

    I want to be motivated to change also – I want it to be easier and I want to eat french fries dammit. And I eat when I'm bored also (that's the worst because I have become aware of it but maybe that's the first step to gaining control) but hey, I've turned 40 and I hear there is another one of those metabolism dips and I'm scared.

    Flip side of this – when I was a kid my anxiety revolved around eating so I didn't eat anything until dinner. Nothing. Then if there was a big dinner (Christmas, Easter), I would starve myself for 4 days before hand praying that I would be hungry enough to eat that big dinner and not upset anyone. Little did I know about metabolism. Back then people thought I was anorexic – then the weight started to come on and people were watching what I ate for a whole different reason.

    Ugh.

    Sorry to highjack but I sooo get it and people who can't take it can get the hell out of my sight!

    cindyS

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